funny horoscope 3.50 /5 (4 votes)
Aries is an emotional bastard.
If he is passionate about something, he does not bother to explain his actions to others, he simply acts as he sees fit. To ask for forgiveness - pride does not allow. I am convinced that the truth is in it.
Excuses: “Something rolled up”, “Damn beguiled” etc.
Taurus is a greedy bastard.
Obsessed with buying. A targeted avenger, always calculates the trajectory of the blow, to be sure.
Excuses: "You deserve this fate".
Gemini is a careless bastard.
She loves games, jokes, funny companies. The eternal dichotomy of evil and good. For the sake of a joke, he devalues the rules and traditions, depriving them of drama, sincerely not understanding what he is doing and quickly forgets about it.
Excuses: “Are you offended? WHY?"
Cancer is a miserable bastard.
Because of his vulnerability, vulnerability, susceptibility, he is always an "angel-like creature" innocently injured, while the opponent is a monster in a "devilish guise" even if Cancer himself is a champion in filth and dirty tricks. He will also make sure that the whole world knows how you have treated him unfairly.
Excuses: "It's your fault that I'm like this!"
Leo is a pompous bastard.
Well, everything is clear here, the crown presses, the greatness of the world distorts. Everything is divided into “He” and “the rest.” He is great, others are dust underfoot.
Excuses: "I so wanted to."
Virgo is a vindictive bastard.
In the eternal pursuit of perfection, impeccability and correctness, she draws her portrait of “God in the flesh on earth”, such a walking messiah and do not let you be imprudent to speak unsatisfactorily, unprofitably about her. Can wait long and hard for the right chance to remember.
Excuses: Triumphant "Do you remember …"
Libra is a mercantile bastard.
Windy and changeable. Great virtuosos extricate themselves from sticky situations. A real politician pursuing his own interests, if necessary, will promise, lie, slander.
Excuses: no. Got drunk and fled.
Scorpio is a top notch bastard.
A lover of creating a veil of mystery around himself such that he himself gets entangled in it, plus an unquenchable thirst for an ideal clouds their minds, forcing them to position themselves as an instrument of justice and retribution. If from their point of view you broke any rules, you should be punished.
Excuses: no.
Sagittarius is a bastard.
A very complex being, eager to prove himself in the field of social activity and quite successful in this matter. Tram squabbles, bazaar skirmishes, all kinds of quarrels and conflicts in which you can take your soul away - this is his element.
Excuses: raised tone, meaningless text, obscene language.
Capricorn is a stupid bastard.
Just as an ostrich hides its head in the sand, believing that there is no danger, so a capricorn, resting its horns “anywhere” does not want to see, feel and make decisions. Moreover, he firmly believes that if he persists in this way, the problem will be resolved by itself, and even according to his scenario, and when he sees the ashes around him, he will be stupidly surprised: “How did it happen?”.
Excuses: "It happened".
Aries
Let's start to get acquainted with how the signs of the zodiac are offended, with a cute lamb. Anyone who managed to hurt him may not particularly worry. This villain will still not have time to dodge. Aries are compassionate people, unable to remember grievances for a long time. They will surely forgive: once on the head with something heavy, the second - on the kidneys with a foot. Later, however, they will also regret if they catch up with the offender. But in general, these cute creatures are able not to respond to stimuli if the headphones are in their ears, their horoscope says. As the signs of the zodiac are offended, Aries, in principle, do not care. The lambs concentrate on their world, where justice reigns (as they understand it). It is better not to touch an offended Aries for a couple of days (or years). Then he will forget about the evil deed and will behave as before. Aries have a strange feature of trying on the suffering of the offender. In a couple of days, they will really try to understand him, even flowers can be brought to the hospital, where the former “villain” restores his damaged health.
Taurus
If this horned inhabitant of heaven patronizes your relatives or friends, then information about how the signs of the zodiac are offended is vital. Read and learn, it will not be superfluous. It is strictly not recommended to annoy Taurus. He just has great, incredible patience. He will begin to cherish the offense, worry, nurture, without showing his emotional state in any way. When the time comes, he will put the "villain" on an uncomfortable stool and will selflessly read the notation. Taurus approaches all matters very responsibly. It will take a long time to sit on the rickety "calvary", but you won't be able to run away. Taurus will remember all the dirty tricks and sins you have committed since the time of King Pea. He must include in his speech key information about how different signs of the zodiac are offended, focusing on their own. Here it is better not to remain silent, but to ask for forgiveness. Maybe you'll be lucky, and Taurus won't put his hooves into action.
Twins
It is unpleasant to quarrel with a representative of this sign. And for both sides. Gemini will be surprised at such impudence and will instantly react to insult. The hurricane will not last long, almost everyone will be able to survive. The villain should not be afraid of assault. He will be dipped into mud in words. The scandal will also end abruptly. The Gemini will never remember you again!
Crayfish
People who are under the auspices of this sign are so sentimental and romantic that others, against their will, fall under their charm and relax. And they should remember about the claws. Cancers are offended often and with taste. These people have hypertrophied sensitivity. Any little thing can hurt them and plunge into the abyss of angry experiences. Notice such a change in mood, immediately sincerely repent! In the first moments, the villain still has a chance to leave without much loss. True, Cancers will try to thoroughly check the offender for the truth of repentance, expecting a dirty trick. You need to convince with all your might, otherwise a terrible revenge awaits you. Her Cancers are cooked with pleasure, trying to touch the especially thin strings of the soul of the villain in order to hit harder. Creative natures will no longer care how the signs of the zodiac are offended, they will put the comic horoscope aside. For balance, Cancers need to return justice to the world, endowing the offender with equivalent suffering, which they will do without fail.
a lion
With representatives of this star tribe, you can forget about caution. Interested in how the signs of the zodiac are offended, people read about Leo with surprise and enthusiasm. And the whole point is that it is unsuitable for kings to react to some nonsense. Leo may well miss an offensive remark past his ears, turn away at the moment when they try to hurt him. Why would he, a regal person, bother with the petty claims of mortals? Well, if you are persistent, he will growl so that his legs will shake. This incident will be over. Lions do not fill their heads with nonsense, they already have a lot of royal deeds, and even more plans. Fangs can be shown to especially annoying offenders. But this rarely happens. Their authority is so indisputable that few dare to annoy them.
Virgo
Exploring resentment according to the signs of the zodiac, astrologers have discovered a real psychological phenomenon. It is associated with Virgo. These people are generally not touchy. To hurt them, you need to try very hard. If you still decide to offend the Virgin, take care of the will first. And it's not that the counterpart harbors evil. Not at all. Virgos forget insults quickly, almost instantly. But they will act in accordance with their life principles. They will put the villain on all the black lists that they have been doing since infancy. And those who are designated there are supposed to repay according to their deeds. Revenge will inevitably overtake the offender, and even from the other side, from which they did not expect. Life will seem completely destroyed, heart broken, ideals debunked and the like. This unfortunate person will also fail to connect the catastrophe with the offended Virgo.
Scales
Here's Who to Focus on When You Study How People Get Offended various signs zodiac. Libra loves to pout, deliberately showing the villain the full extent of his vile fall. These people do not know how to take revenge. But they will rush with their resentment with desperate perseverance and taste. If you do not immediately apologize, get ready for censure from " broad circles the public." Libra will definitely notify all acquaintances and not very much about how vilely they were treated. Black gossip is their forte. The story will drag on long years. Libra fundamentally opposes evil, wherever it is found. It is important for them to eradicate it on the planet, they will spare no effort for this. Try to clarify the relationship right away, otherwise you will be included in the list of fiends with all possible consequences.
Scorpion
Scorpio is the master of revenge. Evil in relation to themselves and resentment, these people carefully collect and store, like collectors. For every offense there will be retribution. This is not just a principle for them, but a passion. The offender will regret that he once contacted Scorpio. By the way, this is the only sign that does not disdain physical violence. He himself will not wave his fists, but a scuffle can arrange. Scorpions follow the trail of the offender more stubbornly than a greyhound chasing the beast. Their venom will surely overtake prey. The only person out of the risk zone is Scorpio's beloved. This person will be forgiven.
Sagittarius
There is no sign more peaceful. However, these cuties can be very offended. The result will be worse than when Scorpio was offended. Sagittarius will not engage in revenge planning or pouting in corners. These are open and honest people they will pour their emotions on your head. The scandal will be as grandiose as the experiences of the hurt Sagittarius. More than once during this phantasmagoria, the offender will come up with the idea of using a rope with soap. Believe me, it is easier to part with life than to endure the angry outpourings of Sagittarius. Try to distract him by offering a joint trip at your expense. Hearing about the upcoming trip to distant lands, Sagittarius will forget the differences. The second time, try not to run into his anger if you value relationships. Sagittarius will go into the distance, not wanting to bother with the re-education of the "incorrigible" villain.
Capricorn
That's who is not inclined to respond to someone else's stupidity. Capricorn can only be offended by vicious criticism of his favorite project. In this case, you risk getting on his pre-sharpened horns. It is better to immediately approach the solution of the issue constructively, come up and explain. Five minutes of shame, as they say, and all problems are solved. Otherwise, you will know what is the revenge of Capricorn. This person is patient and calm. He will not throw a tantrum, he will not make a fuss. Even communicate will be, as before. He will wait. And when you need his support in an important matter, he will forget about the existence of such a person. In addition, Capricorns spend a lot of energy on winning friendship. the mighty of the world this. These influential people will also forget about you under the influence of an offended Capricorn. The world will flow forward to success, and you will be left to suffer on the shore.
Aquarius
Do you think that you offended the person who is patronized by this sign? In vain. Aquarius reacts negatively emotionally only to the rejection of their brilliant ideas. Criticism hurts and disturbs him at the same time. He will not understand, this is not the nature. First of all, Aquarius will doubt the mental abilities of the offender. Having drawn conclusions, he will decide that it is not worth wasting time on a fool. He will go where there are intellectuals who can appreciate his genius. Do not expect deceit or evil gossip from him behind his back. This person has already forgotten about your existence. His intellect is busy saving the world and generating global ideas. He has no time to think about the fools who dared to criticize his work. If you want to restore relations, you will have to take the initiative. Talk to Aquarius about the essence of the world, the depravity of mankind, prove that you have the right to his attention.
Fish
When you find out how the zodiac signs react to offense, do not miss essential information. Pisces do not like to be offended, but they know how. The representative of the sign is not malicious, but will not immediately forgive. The fish pouts, carefully choosing facial expressions to demonstrate the offender's emotional state. She will catch the eye, carefully watching the reaction. Are you not asking for forgiveness? Well, okay. Pisces will forgive, because wrinkles appear from anger, but they don’t need this. But from now on, a different game will begin. The fish will try to prove to the whole world that they are angelic entities, and you are a demon in the flesh. Believe me, they have no equal in this matter. Before you have time to look back, the public will be on the side of the offended Rybka, and you are already anathematized. Why persist, you ask? They would have said right away that they were wrong, everything would have ended before it had even begun. And now you are faced with a choice: either run to the ends of the world, or prove that you didn’t jump out of hell.
This is how zodiac signs react to offenders. Astrologers have tried to identify character traits. Naturally, each person has his own individual characteristics that affect behavior in stressful situations. Observations show that the deviation from the descriptions given are at the level of statistical error. How do you react to insults? Did the description match your behavior? Write in the comments to correct the findings of stellar explorers.
Cool horoscopes for the signs of the zodiac seem ridiculous only at first glance. In fact, they are remembered much more clearly - after all, the joke itself "sinks" into memory. You can amuse your friends with a witty answer in an unexpected situation. Or you can take a closer look at yourself and your loved ones - to once again make sure that astrology is really a truthful and exact science.
And it is with the help of cool horoscopes that it will be easy for you to study astrology and delve into its basics. And you don’t have to memorize or drive anything into your head on purpose. Just read comic horoscopes and compare them with the behavior of your friends. Very soon, everything will fall into place in your head, and you will always know what to expect from others and what they expect from you. By the way, this is called "insight." And all thanks to the fact that you just love to read funny horoscopes!
Start with a simple example. Find out, what horoscopes prefer different signs of the zodiac- and check yourself and your friends.
Aries most often looking for a swearing horoscope. Well, what? What else to hang out with friends over a bottle of beer. It especially delivers to him when he is not scolded much, but everyone else - in full.
Taurus treats horoscopes without much confidence and never allows them to influence his life. But financial and money horoscope sometimes he still reads. But just to once again make sure you are right.
Twins absorb all the horoscopes that meet on their stormy life path. They forget them in exactly one minute - for this reason they do not believe in them.
crayfish, having read something offensive or unpleasant to themselves, they can be offended by all horoscopes in general. They prefer neutral horoscopes: floral, fashion, horoscopes of pets and peoples of the world.
a lion accepts only those horoscopes that exalt him. If you read aloud to him - just skip the "uncomfortable" places, and his favorable attitude is guaranteed to you.
Virgo in general, he does not believe in horoscopes, but he will read a medical horoscope very carefully. If the recommendations are reasonable, then Virgo will bring them to life, and if they seem like nonsense to her, she will reject them with indignation.
Scales love horoscopes love and romantic. But most of all they like horoscopes of compatibility between the signs of the zodiac. After reading them, they are no longer able to choose a partner for themselves at all - it becomes impossible to make a decision due to a large number factors.
scorpions first of all look at horoscopes sexual and erotic. They read them quite carefully, memorizing everything well. Then they will definitely try the information received on their partners.
archers love funny horoscopes, with good humor or unusual comparisons. However, horoscopes do not stay in their head for a long time. And they often understand them in their own way - in their favor.
Capricorn reads horoscopes in order to criticize them. He will look for all the inconsistencies and enjoy it. In the end, he will prove to himself and to everyone that all this is complete nonsense, and you need to be guided only by common sense.
Aquarius reads horoscopes from time to time and selectively memorizes them. Especially appreciates comic horoscopes with caustic jokes. Likes then to quote them at the most inappropriate - from your point of view - moments.
Fish they believe in everything in general - in signs, in signs and, of course, in horoscopes. They adhere to what is written so fanatically that they bring to life everything they read. Naturally, for them, horoscopes turn out to be one hundred percent correct.
copying prohibited
IN ONE DUTCH WOMEN'S MAGAZINE I stumbled upon SUCH A FUNNY HOROSCOPE.
I WANTED TO INTRODUCE YOU WITH THESE IDEAS, BUT IN THE PROCESS OF READING I WAS SURPRISED MYSELF… AND THERE IS A LOT OF COINCIDENCE…?!
LOOK FOR YOURSELF, MAYBE YOU WILL SEE THIS AMAZING?
Aries is the first sign of the Zodiac, the most lively and energetic. Astrology textbooks describe Aries as a charming, energetic personality, endowed with charisma, a born leader and revolutionary. He quickly rushes through life, radiating cheerfulness and optimism.
The truth is that this is an overbearing, self-centered twat, interested only in himself and having an exorbitantly inflated self-importance.
In Aries, Mars endows a person with courage, determination, energy, passion and ambition, as well as short temper, selfishness and impulsiveness. The typical Aries flies through life at full steam, challenging anyone who stands in his way. Endowed by nature with fearlessness, he calmly rushes into battle, even with obviously strong adversary. If you are not lucky and you fall under his feet, then you will fully experience for yourself what an annoyed Aries is: angry, red, he screams and can even stomp his feet, or even rush with his fists. Sometimes, suddenly, for no apparent reason, he can show generosity and, for example, leave his partner empty-handed. Most of all, he is afraid of being branded as ignoble!
He is stung by a condescending attitude, he will not forgive this and, on occasion, can take revenge painfully. Although by nature not so vindictive. 
Aries does not reason for a long time, he simply reacts to irritants, he first acts, and then thinks, often in the heat of the moment destroying his own happiness, because he has no time to collect facts and think ...
Not one iota of humility, he will never admit his mistakes! It is impossible to wait for words of apology from him.
You start arguing with him and a flurry of screams and insults will fall upon you, if you prove you are right, you will be offended like a child and go to pout in a corner. Aries is typical complete absence taste in clothes, they simply have no time to do it, they are more attracted to moving objects ... They especially adore cars.
What is characteristic, in love they are disinterested ...
TAURUS. (April 20-May 20) 
Taurus is the second sign of the Zodiac. Traditional astrology kindly describes Taurus as reliable, picky eaters, frugal homebody, lover of good food and magic in the kitchen. A born boss and a person capable of managing the World.
But in real life you have to deal with a stubborn, edifying, boring curmudgeon with a weight problem.
At the word Taurus or a bull, in the imagination of people, an image of a large animal appears, peacefully chewing grass, blinking with satisfaction with its large shiny eyes. He is even ready to let you scratch him behind the ears ... But if you want to pick a couple of leaves on his field, you will get such a storm!
Whichever of the Taurus you communicate with, whether it be a man or a woman, you will quickly recognize his character. His fury is capable of awakening such a beast in him in an instant that you will regret in an instant that bullfighting has been canceled in your country!
His eyes fill with anger, he even darkens his face, everyone's lower jaw protrudes at least a little, but they subconsciously tilt their heads and look at you frowningly., just like a bull before an attack ....
Taurus is ruled by the planet Venus, and it is she who endows him with insatiability.
Simple approval is never enough for Taurus, property is always scarce, food is not enough, rest and sex are always not in full measure ... They are emotional, but not intellectual, they take hard work and diligence from childhood. They do not know how to grasp a thought on the fly, but if they have learned something, then it is for life. Because of this, many of them do not complete their education, or leave it halfway ... the craving for pleasure is too great. But if they have already learned, then rest assured, you won’t find a better careerist ... They love to sit at all sorts of meetings, meetings, join parties, unions and very quickly become leaders in them ... Although everyone will whisper behind his back that he is a scoundrel, a dictator, usurper… 
They are not able to listen to the opinion of another person, therefore neither logic nor reasonable arguments act on them. If you start arguing with him, then you will have the feeling that you are hitting your forehead against the wall, and if it turns out that you are right, he will look at you as if you were an alien. A great sense of style and beauty attracts people to him, but they are often lonely due to their difficult nature, prone to sexual perversions, such as homosexuality. Both men and women often suffer from an inferiority complex due to their weight, and therefore sometimes they allow themselves sharp antics, but they just want to eat.
Many Taurus can never give up bad habits, smoking, drugs, alcohol, like to be late…Usually very good parents but love to pamper their children.
Gemini is the third sign of the Zodiac. Astrologers unanimously convince us that Gemini are energetic, versatile people, endowed with a mass of talents, charming intellectuals, able to solve several problems at the same time and very fond of communication.
In fact, being close to the Gemini is like getting a job in a crazy house, surprises and various dirty tricks will constantly await you.
They are not smart, but crafty, cunning and resourceful, more talkers than philosophers. They think fast and strange the main objective in their life it is to become famous and to get acquainted in turn with all the celebrities around.
Their element is meetings, cocktails, presentations, where the famous public gathers and talks about the high .... Although their knowledge of everything is superficial, they pretend that they understand everything and in every field of art they are the most subtle connoisseurs and specialists. Their patron is Mercury, a swift god with wings on his sandals! He carries them with lightning speed from one place to another, and the element air is impermanence itself.
Gemini cannot be persuaded, they are very stubborn, but they give out their stubbornness for the breadth of mind and independence. They do not delve into life, but, as it were, glide over the surface. A point of view other than their own is always wrong in their eyes, they know for sure that they are right! 
In marriage, this is the most unfaithful and fickle partner, new people attract them with freshness and incomprehensibility, they are instantly fascinated, they suffer greatly from unrequited love, but they can be comforted in a quarter of an hour, seeing something new on the horizon. They can meticulously ask a person about something, without even delving into the essence of his answers and explanations. They have a great sense of taste and style, they know how to dress beautifully and wear jewelry, but they always think that the neighbor on the landing looks better and start copying her, because they have two faces, they are constantly changing ...
Envy, a passion for gossip and intrigue, a constant change of mood and point of view ... makes Gemini unreliable partners, they always have enemies, they are especially capable of delivering a lot of suffering to Capricorns, Virgos, Taurus and Scorpios ... But they fall in love with them and remain faithful to them all their lives , people much more deserving than they are ... just these victims were caught in the net of their charm. Gemini is always thin, food does not give them such satisfaction, as, for example, good music, declaration of love, poetry, walk in the woods.
CRAYFISH. (June 21-July 22) 
Cancer, the fourth sign of the Zodiac, lives in the House of Home, Private Life. Satisfying astrology describes Cancer as a person who loves solitude, caring and completely devoted to family and friends.
The truth is that Cancers are slippery, manipulative creatures and demand, in turn, absolute loyalty from loved ones.
All watermarks sensitive and emotional, but Cancer is just a champion of emotional instability. Cancer is ruled by the Moon, and it changes daily, the mood of Cancers is ebb and flow, only accelerated many times over. Polite Cancer can calmly get nasty, insult and very often ready for treason, but you are unlikely to know about it, he is secretive and deceitful.
Cancer is able to joke, laugh and get angry or offended and cry at the same time. He loves to retire, attack and immediately complain and whine ...
He has several points of view on the same question and all, by the way, are true, he does not hold stubbornness, but he is not going to argue with you, he will simply remain silent and do it his own way. 
Sharp and unexpected movements frighten him, they even startle, they love smoothness and softness, insects and reptiles frighten him.
Cancers do not argue, they are offended ...
Weepy.
Making Cancer look at himself objectively is an unrealistic task. In a dispute, Cancer will be the first to be silent, but this does not mean that he lost, do not hold out your hands to him, he can chop it off with his claw. Cancer loves junk, antiques, all Cancers are very religious, and for real. Great intuition makes them a little visionary in the eyes of other people, excellent parents, but dubious partners ... especially Cancer men love to live in two families and have illegitimate children, and others often find out about this only after their death. Cancer women are rarely seen 
s in society, usually they are quiet mothers of families or officials middle class, but this does not mean anything, if Cancer got a job somewhere, he will always find a loophole how to illegally make himself an increase in salary. They love to work where it smells like money.
Leo is the fifth sign of the zodiac. He lives in the house of creativity and love. Any book on astrology will tell you that Lions are people proud, confident, fun-loving, loyal, generous, elegant. Most likely these books were written by an astrologer - Leo. 
In fact, Lions crave to always be in the spotlight, powerful fanatics of their own "I", whose infantilism and selfishness are exceeded only by their desire to dispose of others.
The Sun controls Leo, and just as it is the center of our System, Leo (or Lioness) considers himself the center around which everyone must revolve. Of course, they crave explicit worship, but sometimes it is enough for them that you personally consider him to be the main thing in everything.
Lions are either loud, unceremonious and cheeky or sly quiet with self-respect.
Sometimes he can just pretend to be a humble quiet person for some time, but do not be deceived, there are no shy and shy Lions in nature. Their constant need for attention often makes them sullen, and when they lose contact with their Self, they become selfish tyrants, especially with age, believing that their whole life is a vale of suffering. In fact, they roar inflict suffering on others, not at all embarrassed by this. 
Instead of building relationships with people, they plague them with jealousy and reproaches, try to argue with them and you will hear just a roar instead of arguments.
Win an argument with him, he will stop talking, stare at you and go into the shadows, contemplate the next attack.
Lions make the most devoted sissies. They easily part with their first spouse, although later they often regret it all their lives.
From Lionesses, fanatical mothers are obtained, with great pleasure poisoning the life of daughters-in-law.
Virgo is the sixth sign of the Zodiac and lives in the House of Services and Health. Astrologers tactfully depict Virgo as modest, practical, sweet, logical, picky and meticulous. 
However, looking closely, you will find a restless, fussy, petty, prone to endless analysis and subjective assessments of a critic and a hypocrite.
Virgo is ruled by Mercury, the same planet that rules the restless Gemini. However, in Virgo, restless Mercury is trapped in the element of Earth, where he becomes critical and irritable.
Virgos might dream of being as spontaneous as Gemini, but they are too firmly on the ground.
Virgos get worried about everything.
They heal the sick, save sinners, correct speech errors, and dispense unsolicited advice with the dignity of an elementary school teacher.
Virgos are very cautious and absolutely devoid of adventurism. They are so busy improving those around them that they are completely oblivious to their own character, which is by no means pleasant.
Of all the signs, Virgos are the least able to admit their mistakes. Born under the motto, THERE IS NO PERFECTION IN THE WORLD!, they cannot relax and enjoy life. 
All the fantasies and dreams of the Virgo have an absolutely practical purpose, the Virgo does nothing without benefit for herself, and if she gave you something, it means that she just got a bigger piece the other day.
Virgo can get a job in any organization, even in Horns and Hooves, and calmly have her own piece of bread with butter and caviar there. Most of all, they fear for their health, therefore, whatever, Virgo will not eat, if necessary, they will calmly lose weight or quit smoking, they do not tell anyone, even themselves, the whole truth.
Always on the sidelines, they know how to drag chestnuts out of the fire with the wrong hands. Virgo, possessing the gift of persuasion, can convince anyone that a new enterprise is simply necessary; for herself, she has long calculated dividends.
They are constant in marriage, because disorder in everything affects the Virgin oppressively.
Virgo is obsessed with accuracy, they are easy to recognize by appearance always neatly dressed and combed. Men often marry very late or even remain bachelors, because Virgo, firstly, is never bored alone, and secondly, Virgo men are happy to do housework.
This sign both in the Zodiac and in life embodies the variability of life and the constancy of change.
Astrologers endow him with the highest harmony, they argue that Libra is always impartial, diplomatic and always strive for peace, that they have been looking for truth, beauty and a perfect life partner all their lives.
In fact, behind their somewhat cloying smiles, there are lovers of pampering themselves, Beloved, people indulging only their whims in everything, their hearing is tuned only to the ringing of coins, and there is no more individuality and grandeur in them than in a green leaf.
Libra is ruled by Venus, but it is in Libra that she endows a person with an endless thirst for improvement. They need to become the first, they are never satisfied, either with themselves or with a partner.
As one of the dominant cardinal signs, Libra views dissent as a personal affront.
They get angry even if you just switch the TV to another channel.
In the representation of Libra, the harmony of the world lies in the fact that everyone agrees with them. Libras are very subjective, not judgmental. They recognize one opinion - their own.
If you start arguing with them, they will explode with anger, but they can easily ask you for forgiveness, because they are afraid of power. 
All Libras always have at least some kind of inferiority complex. For women, this is either weight, or height, or not too smooth skin, for men it’s even worse, even a beautiful wife will not help him stop being tormented by suffering about the fact that someone else can be better ...
Marrying and marrying Libra only by calculation, if the calculation turns out to be incorrect, they often do not have the courage to get a divorce and harass their partner with nit-picking, sometimes destroying him as a person.
In their hearts they are cowardly and shouting is enough for them, but they are offended for life ... Geniuses in love and very often start romances with married and married people, because to beat someone off, what could be more pleasant? You can not ask them for a loan ... they will not give it. In the upbringing of children, complete ignoramuses, sometimes pamper, sometimes demand impossible obedience, as a rule, their children grow up indecisive and always look back at their parents, although Libra themselves are always naughty and spiky in childhood. But they are capable of generous and broad gestures, this charms people, they often say about Libra: A wonderful person!
SCORPION(October 23-November 21) 
Scorpio, the eighth sign of the Zodiac, lives in the House of death, sex, and other people's possessions.
Conventional astrology describes Scorpio as a passionate being, full of secrets, sensual, endowed with the gift of being reborn and rising from the ashes, like a Phoenix.
But he would be better compared to Dracula rising from a coffin.
These are people obsessed with obsessive ideas, very secretive, prone to assault subjects who feed their pride on the humiliation of others.
Scorpio is ruled by two planets. From Mars, the god of war, conflict and aggression, he is endowed with suspicion, and his outward friendliness is separated from seething poisonous emotions by only a thin layer of skin.
The second planet Pluto, the god of extremes, instills in him an unsurpassed survival instinct in any situation. Neither an aspen stake, nor holy water - nothing can harm Scorpio, only he himself can hit him. What Scorpio usually does at the end of life.
Scorpio rarely lives his life happily, usually his unbridled fantasy and instinct of the owner push him to make an erroneous fateful decision.
But notice, no one, but only he himself, does himself a dirty trick.
His favorite game in life is the Inquisition Bonfire, If you die you're innocent, if you stay alive you're guilty.
They deliberately cause harm to loved ones, as a rule, their marriages are not durable, especially the first ones, not very 
There are not many people who can withstand their character. After all, everything in this world, in his opinion, is not worthy of him, he is the best in everything, the richest, the most successful, they are naturally endowed with longevity, good health and exorbitant self-admiration.
They have such a developed intuition that they see people on 
through. Very believing. Perhaps the most faithful of all signs.
If you leave him with a snort, he will never forgive you, Scorpios are very vengeful, they don’t forget anything and never forgive.
They love to be late everywhere and hate it when others are late for them. As a rule, they are very quick-tempered and in the heat of the moment they speak without thinking, often pugnacious and never give in. Sometimes they are capable of a grand gesture, but here 
they will ask for something in return.
Their motto is: All or nothing!
If they get divorced, then by all means they try to annoy the former and with great reluctance pay alimony.
Greedy beef and all the money in the world is always not enough for them.
Sagittarius is the ninth sign of the Zodiac and lives in the House of philosophy, adventure and long-distance travel.
Traditionally, representatives of this sign are described as sociable, cheerful, honest people who have philosophical view on life and events in the world, passionate travelers.
However, the harsh truth is that this is a tactless subject, stomping through life with one foot stuck in a bucket, a bawler and a bully, always speaking out of place. 
Sagittarius is controlled by the cheerful joker Jupiter, and he endows his wards with a restless character and extravagance.
Sagittarians never know how to count money and easily part with it, their breadth of soul is sometimes even burdensome, they have a lot of friends around the world, they charm so much from the first meeting that this person is immediately remembered and immediately put forward somewhere.
Becoming a leader or director is a trifle for Sagittarius, but he will often not work, because his job is to travel around, make incendiary speeches and sit on the presidium. All Sagittarians, both men and women, firmly believe that they know everything in the world and spend their time to enlighten humanity, mired in ignorance.
They do not know how to act subtly, they need everything to be done immediately.
They neigh very loudly or smile lusciously, but under the mask of a cheerful jester hides a restrained rage, and what a rage!
Because they have to suppress their anger, there are many violent criminals among them.
In general, angry Sagittarians do not even try to curb their feelings. 
They are born in the dark season, when the days are the shortest and the nights are the longest and their soul is often twilight, they suffer from bouts of melancholy, they want to constantly fiesta.
Favorite entertainment is the circus, they love loud music, so there are so many artists, singers, musicians among them.
Sagittarius women are completely delighted with shiny jewelry, even cheap jewelry. The lack of sunlight makes them lovers of bright clothes. Sagittarians love to quarrel with relatives, both close and distant, and in their families they have frequent conflicts, while they happen, yell, and then they can calmly make peace and talk in an hour as if nothing had happened.
They are very emotional, capricious, fickle.
Easily change in marriage. They don’t know how to argue, and if you start proving your point of view, then your centaur will quickly jump over the fence and run away for fresh clover.
As a rule, Sagittarius women always have many children, not at all because they are good mothers, they are just too lazy. 
to be protected and they make a decision with lightning speed: Oh, let there be one more child! Although, having given birth, they immediately try to nurse the baby to someone, they plow their husband, mother, distant relatives and neighbors, they love five-day days, because for them to go to work is a vacation, and, instead of running home after work to the children, it may well go and listen to a lecture on how to care for orchids, even though she doesn't have any orchids.
Sagittarians are simply born for public assignments: the head of the house, combatants, a fireman, a stewardess, a Moscow-Vladivostok carriage conductor - what could be more pleasant?
Magnanimous astrologers describe this person as a traditionalist, a determined and purposeful person, a very selective person, with good taste and a sense of style.
It would be possible not to try with the description, replacing it with one word careerist.
If you are dealing with Capricorn, then you will definitely suffer from his imperiousness, pomposity, these people squeeze the Civil Code in one hand, and the marriage contract in the other.
Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, and here he endows him with dogmatism and makes him purely business-like. Capricorn women, if they did not make a career themselves, then they brought their weak-willed husbands to the people, and they were not given anything else. 
All Capricorns are born with a manic desire to be first in their flock. Although the fish tail in his sign indicates a wet and emotional nature. They are sensitive and cry often. But their tears are rarely seen, they are not sugary sentimental like Pisces.
The manifestation of emotions is considered not decent, but they are hot natures.
More than anything, they love to talk about how hard they worked and tried to reach their position. Although by nature they are generally tongue-tied and it is tiring to listen to them, they do not have a flight of thought and fantasy, like Pisces and Gemini, they have everything naked truth. They also lack a sense of humor. 
Capricorns are very serious and lack immediacy. Very often, women and men born under this sign marry early, although they themselves do not understand why?
They think very little about love, they are interested in material values, but in their youth it seems to them: It's time, it's time to start a family, I'm already an adult (th)
Namely, they think about the family, not about love.
At a fairly young age, they achieve material success, and having achieved it, they understand that life is boring. They don’t know how to rejoice, so all Capricorns have a very responsible hobby, if it doesn’t exist, then only their favorite JOB!
And only this brings him happiness, he has an excuse for all the moaning of his partner: I'm busy! Money for Capricorn is an end in itself.
In general, these are boring subjects who are usually appreciated when they are suddenly not around. They take great care of their health, chronic centenarians.
According to the Bible, Jesus was a Capricorn, but by all indications, He certainly was a FISH, a kind pacifist... But Capricorns love to fight to the end, they are very stubborn and persistent.
If you win the argument, then it is likely that your phone will ring at night, Capricorn decided to offer you a counterargument ...
Aquarius is the eleventh sign of the Zodiac, and benevolent astrology describes him as an individualist, self-confident, original and idealistic, who treats all people equally.
To you, he is more likely to seem like an obsessive eccentric who begins to tell the first person he meets about his bizarre theories and conclusions.
Bring confusion and confusion, the true purpose of Aquarius. He doesn't even know why he does it. 
Since we have officially entered the Age of Aquarius, this only enhances its qualities. He loves rebellion, and in a peaceful, routine life he feels sleepy, often because of this he has a desire to drink, or smoke ... They are very prone to bad habits.
Aquarius loves to cross the boundaries of morality and break the law.
Aquarius is ruled by two planets - Uranus and Saturn.
Uranus is the planet of sudden change and revolution. Saturn is the planet of dogma and repression. Therefore, Aquarians are not sincere, they create the illusion of change without changing anything, they themselves are terribly afraid of change.
Aquarius people are aloof, not passionate, if you dig deeper, you will notice that they know little, their knowledge is superficial, and in general, they often have nothing to say.
They are all dreaming about the future: when I grow up, when I get married, when I have children, when we save up money, when I retire... And life passes them by, because they do not know how to live in the present.
They don’t even wear clothes right away, they usually hang in their closet for years until they go out of fashion.
Often they are very perceptive and well versed in people, but their trouble is that they can never understand themselves ... Marriages with them fall apart easily, like skittles ... But they are never alone, they will always find someone to charm, and again they are paired …
By old age, their weakest organ is the head, often memory loss, nervous breakdowns. Therefore, if you got Aquarius, take care of him, he does not know how to take care of himself.
Pisces is the twelfth and last sign of the Zodiac, which has absorbed the wisdom of all other signs. Astrology calls them seers, they seem to have descended to earth on a moonbeam, people prone to introspection, sensitively capturing the mood and aura of other people. Good pacifists, they feel sorry for everyone, both people and animals ... 
Scrape the gilding off them and you will find a dreamer overturned by the realities of life, gullible, disorganized, constantly in a state of confusion and completely helpless.
Pisces is controlled by Neptune, the god of illusions, and he endows a person born under this sign with the desire to run away from problems and absolute naivety. They believe everything!
They evaluate each action through the prism of their prejudices, which break any truth.
This makes Pisces champions among losers, but they endure all hardships easily, for the sole reason that, not knowing how to get out of the situation, they resign themselves to it, and the course itself endures them. 
They are not fighters, they don't lay down their weapons, they don't even know how to pick them up!
This makes them remarkably resilient, only far removed from reality.
They have many, many ideas, but the fear of change and the unwillingness to take risks, bends them to the ground and often prevents them from developing their potential, which is huge.
They have a lot of talents and they can do many things better than others, but they are too lazy ...
Ambition is a trait not known to them at all, they may well tell their idea, completely free of charge, to a person who will make capital on this.
But Neptune is the god of the sea, so Pisces is quick-tempered and hysterical like no other, but after an hour they have already forgotten that they just recently yelled at you, and start talking, as if nothing had happened, they have a great sense of humor, but sometimes it's a cruel satire.
All Pisces speak first and think later.
But they are certainly interesting people, and what taste, style and charm they have often makes you reconcile and digest their unbearable character. 
They are quick-tempered, but quick-tempered, they talk about themselves, not noticing that they have a lot of enemies.
Pisces themselves are terribly vindictive and do not forgive insults, reminding everyone of this, including offenders, many take this for courage, and this is just sentimental whining. After all, Pisces never take revenge.
Comic horoscopes cheer up, but they also contain some truth. Find out which life principles characteristic of your zodiac sign. Among the fun offers you can find useful information and change for the better.
Horoscopes, no matter how comic they are, are based on the observations of astrologers. It is known that planets and constellations influence the nature and behavior of people, which means that the jokes are not so far from the truth. The site team compiled the site for you funny horoscope, in which the characteristics of each Zodiac Sign fit into short and capacious expressions. We hope that they will help you not only cheer up, but also get rid of your weaknesses.
Aries
Aries can describe themselves. Capacious phrases fully reflect their contradictory and purposeful nature.
- It's useless to argue with me. You won't redirect me.
- I will do it first, and then I will think.
- I don't slow down where everyone slows down.
- I'll stay young forever, because it's boring to become an adult.
- You can do the same as me. You still can't do better.
- Please speak faster. I don't have the patience to listen to you.
- My stubbornness is not a vice, it was simply born ahead of me.
- It is much easier to control any situation than emotions.
- I won't hit you first, but you'd better not touch me.
- It's good to be honest - unnecessary people themselves stop communicating with me.
Taurus
If Taurus could characterize themselves in a joking manner, they could use the following phrases.
- You never feel sorry for money for buying things, but always for entertainment.
- I don't need someone else's, and don't you dare touch mine.
- It is better to be bad friends than to quarrel kindly.
- It is better to stay in the usual comfort of four walls than to admire the colors of nature.
- Food is a wonderful invention of mankind.
- It is better to go second to save energy.
- Taste delicious food and guilt is my addiction.
- Be gentle and then you can achieve more than the rest.
- No need to pull someone who is well settled.
- Disposable things were invented for disposable people.
Twins
Ten capacious phrases that reveal their character and demeanor are suitable for restless Gemini.
- Today I am not the same as I was yesterday.
- It is useful to own the situation - you get more information.
- One mind is good, but two is better. Especially if both belong to you.
- Today I am here, tomorrow I am there.
- Ideas should not gather dust on the shelves with old books.
- If you didn't make it, then you're late. Need to speed up.
- You need to move quickly through life so as not to get bogged down in “textures”.
- I rarely answer for my words, but with humor.
- There is not enough time for quality, so I take quantity.
- There should be more means of communication.
Crayfish
Cancers will be able to recognize themselves and their demeanor by the following interesting phrases, which in a playful way reflect their style of behavior.
- Life is hard only where it is impossible to hide in a secluded place.
- Per stone walls With my fortress I am invulnerable to the cruel world.
- Stocks need to be replenished so that they never run out.
- Being a babysitter is great. It doesn't matter how old your ward is.
- If you know how to wait, happiness will eventually find you on its own.
- You need to meet friends at home, and not walk around cafes.
- The abundance of food in the refrigerator is a real happiness.
- Money should only be spent on quality items.
- My past is always with me. And it doesn't bother me at all.
- Ten years is not a long time for good clothes.
a lion
Proud Leos do not always agree with the characteristics that people around them give them. However, in every joke there is some truth, which is worth listening to.
- It is much more pleasant to help people than to be in the role of asking for help.
- Follow me, I know the right way.
- Good manners is the key to personal success.
- The sun shines exclusively for Leo.
- It's nice to make good money, but it's much nicer to spend it.
- A dictator sometimes needs to be hidden behind a mask of prudence and benevolence.
- I don't understand how you can not admire me.
- I need more gold, more pathos and more admiring glances.
- Even if the thing is not needed, I must have it. Especially if it is expensive and looks chic.
- The sign on my office door must be spotless.
Virgo
Virgos sometimes need to look at themselves from the outside in order to change their attitude to life. Ten humorous phrases will help you with this.
- If you work hard, you will surely come out of it.
- All things should be in their places.
- Modesty adorns any Virgo.
- Logic should be in everything, even in love.
- Everything must look perfect. No crooked paintings.
- You need to live not only for yourself, but also in order to help others.
- Large scales are frightening - it is difficult to put things in order in them.
- Beauty will save the world, especially if you create it with your own hands
- Throwing away old things is not necessary. They can come in handy at the most unexpected moment.
- Less hassle, more routine.
Scales
For Libra, the following statements may be familiar. Perhaps they will help you to doubt less and change your behavior for the better.
- Any business must be done with the appropriate mood.
- You can win by agreeing.
- Making a choice is one of the most difficult and tiring activities.
- Kindness can move mountains.
- Beauty should be in everything: in the image, in the house, and in the workplace.
- Information is needed like air.
- Laziness is the engine of progress.
- One of the dumbest things to do is argue. It takes too much energy.
- Doubt sometimes helps to avoid trouble.
- Not all i's need to be dotted.
Scorpion
If Scorpios could tell about themselves in capacious short phrases, then the following expressions would fit them.
- You need a good reason to smile.
- It is a pity that sometimes there is no one to "sting".
- This world lacks knights.
- I'm like a cactus: flowers open only for the elite.
- Revenge should be served cold, but only to those who really deserve it.
- Even if there is a hurricane inside you, remain outwardly calm.
- The world needs stations to fill people with emotions.
- You need to go to the breach, even through the windbreak.
- People are like books: you just have to open them.
- You need to take risks constantly, otherwise there will be nothing to remember in old age.
Sagittarius
Sagittarius could make a presentation of themselves and their character in the following humorous terms.
- Remorse is experienced by those who have it. Mine doesn't bite.
- It makes no sense to panic ahead of time, I’ll figure it out when it “presses.
- The spirit of competition allows you to be better in everything.
- Do you want to cheer yourself up? Ask me how.
- I forgive everyone I owe.
- An argument is another opportunity to show off your intellect.
- I'm not obligatory, but immensely charming.
- I hang noodles on my ears for free and professionally.
- I know how to become a philosopher in five minutes.
- Commitment saves more than one life.
Capricorn
For Capricorns, which people may not understand, the site's experts have selected the following funny sayings. We hope that they will help to cheer you up and smile more often.
- Even one in the field can be a warrior.
- The laws of meanness work for me.
- I'm like cognac: I only get better with age.
- Good to talk about beautiful places and countries while sitting at home.
- Financial advisor. Long, expensive, with a guarantee.
- You can afford to spit down from the top if you climb it all your life.
- Life is a train that stops at its stations exactly according to the schedule.
- If necessary, I can become the head of the universe
- There is no place for sprints in my life. I am a true marathon runner.
- Stubbornness can "gore" anyone.
Aquarius
The ten sentences that characterize Gemini may seem naive, but for many representatives of this Sign they can be useful.
- There is no greater boredom than being like others.
- I create my own ideas.
- Living with prejudices is the lot of fools.
- Everything will be great in the future.
- To be an angel? Why not?
- Sometimes a good intention is enough. It is not necessary to perform it.
- Family is great, but friends are more important.
- There are no lonely thoughts in my head. They are friends and create chaos.
- I can be in several places at the same time, because good man there should be a lot.
- There should be stops in life, not safe havens.
Fish
Pisces, with their world of illusions and unwillingness to explain their behavior, can use the following succinct phrases.
- My profession is professional sympathy.
- There is no point putting off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- I can promise. I love, I know, I practice. But I won't be in a hurry to do it.
- I understand everyone, but not myself.
- Don't pressure me or I'll disappear.
- Yes, I'm busy, only what, few can understand.
- We need more handkerchiefs and vest people.
- Food needs to be chewed, work needs to be done.
- Maintain order in the house - who needs it?
- The world of illusions and fantasies is beautiful. There is no need to leave him for a long time.
A comic horoscope can reflect your internal state. In any case, even funny statements about your Sign should not be ignored. Be careful in your actions and desires so that there is no place for disappointment in your life. Attract good luck and be happy. We wish you all the best, and don't forget to press the buttons and